I've gotten myself in too deep, and I don't know which way to turn to make things better.

Yeah so my first month in Iowa City has been good. I joined a sorority which I wasn't expecting to do but it was a great decision on my part. The girls are all cool and I'm actually hanging out with girls which is different. They're all laid back, not the prissy types that are portrayed on TV when it comes to sororities. Other than that classes are boring and I miss Des Moines.

One more day and I am in Iowa City...

I am so ready for college it is unbelieveable. Last year I found myself sad about only having one year left of high school. I know it seems weird but I didn't hate high school like the rest of you. However now I just want to start new. Sure I'm going to Iowa and it's not going to be as new as I wanted but I just want to do different things and meet new people and I figure that college is a good place for that.

I am happy that my roomate is actually cool. Well she seems like it since we've started talking to each other I haven't met her but she likes the same things I do so that's a plus (and I'm sure was a point by the housing people). I don't know I've just been so lazy lately that I want to be somewhere that I can't be anymore. I want to be responsible for things I don't want to rely on others for everything. Meh...only about three weeks and I'm there.

So I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with my cat, my parents won't let me bring him to my new house, but no one wants him. I don't wanna just give him to someone I don't know I wanna be able to have him back after a year. Sad...

Life is going well right now, things have been so hectic but in a good way. I've just been handing out with people every night and truly enjoying myself. That is something that hasn't happened since last summer. I feel good about myself again and I got a job! Once again doing retail, but a little step up from Limited Too...Victoria's Secret. I'm pretty excited and I start on Wednesday. The part I found the funniest was that she told me what all I needed for the training and then told me I'd be trying on bras. So that should be exciting haha. Anyways that's my update.

I feel like things are sinking back into place. They always do, except this time is a little different just like always. Catching up with old friends is good and meeting new ones is good too. Either way I am in a way better mood.

On top of that I have an interview at Victoria's Secret in Valley West Mall and I believe I stand a good chance at finally getting a summer job, which will in turn keep me from feeling like a total bum.

Yep things are going to be okay...now I just have to worry about that whole flooding thing in Iowa City..meh

I think I've let go of too many things that were important to me. The trouble is there wasn't a reason for it in the first place. I am afraid of getting too deep into things and I don't understand why.

I sincerely believe in fate. Today I did something that I never really do. My dad woke me up because he wanted to see if I would go with him and my grandparents to lunch. It was only noon. I am a bum, I don't wake up till like 3pm during the summer when I don't have a job but today I decided sure I'll wake up and go to lunch at noon. So I get ready get into the truck and as we back out of my driveway I turn to the back to tell my grandma "Guess what, Tober ran away," just then I look towards my backyard as we pass it and what do I see...Tober. In other words I'm in awe. More so happy that my cat is home..I still need a place for him to stay.

Tober ran away. According to my parents he ran out during that huge storm a couple of days ago and he's been gone for three days. I loved that cat. My parents act like he's coming back, but I know he isn't and it is actually making me depressed.

As a girl it's my job to not know what I want...right?

I asked for closure and I got it. It just wasn't the answer I was hoping for.

My theory on my inability to hold a relationship still stands.

Next fall needs to come sooner

The past couple of nights have been good for me. I've been hanging out with my friends, I've been enjoying myself and the people that I'm with. So why then am I still letting this pathetic little thing bother me? Why can't I seem to get over the fact that I'm obviously the only one that cares? It makes me feel like a child, like I am a complete idiot for ever thinking there was a chance. There are so many things I wanna say but I can't cause I don't wanna be that girl. I wanna just say fuck it, but I can't because I'm too naive to accept the fact that I'm the only one investing time into this anymore, I'm the only one investing my cares and my hopes and you're just living your life like it doesn't mean a thing.


why am i so pathetic...

I used to care a lot more, now I'm just going through the motions. I'm ready to be done with school, I can't even bring myself to write any papers even though I have three due. I'm gonna be screwed lol but who gives a shit. I've checked out I'm ready for summer and for college.

Why do I feel like I'm 14 again? I should have matured in this sense...apparently not.

My new favorite thing is getting ditched on my birthday! COOL!

I give up

I can't be happy till I have to worry about things.

"I'm your puppet
I'll learn to love it
and I'll undress
if you need it
but please don't need it
if you need it
I'll scream out

weave a secret
I will sweep it
beaneath the carpet
where you'll keep it
how weak is that?
wish I was worth it
to you"

Why do I get myself into these situations? I'm a pathetic idiot, and a sucker for charm.

Maybe I just think too much, and look to far into things. I wish I could figure myself out.